Working in a totalitarian-like environment caused me great mental anguish. I think it’s fair to say that this would be and is true for most reasonable human beings. The only thing worse than lying to others is lying to yourself. Checking in with colleagues who felt the same helped me maintain some semblance of sanity. That none of us were willing to stand up publicly and voice our real feelings indicates we were working in an environment about as far from “critical conversations” (to borrow a phrase from Smith College President Kathy McCartney) as one can get.
Also helpful was traversing beyond the shrinking information bubble I had been living in. That it felt transgressive for me to read books or watch videos by perfectly reasonable human beings says a lot about the ideological chains that were closing in around me.
But in the end, what bolstered my moral courage more than anything else was a single letter. In September 2018, Smith staff member Tracey Putnam Culver (now retired) wrote an open letter to voice her concerns about the way the college handled the July 31, 2018 incident. In her letter she described the “climate of fear, hostility and exclusion” that had descended upon the campus as a result. Because the college did not respond to the letter, and because I am not a big reader of newspapers, I did not find Tracey’s letter until 2019, when I had begun searching in earnest for some proof that the negative feelings I was having about the increasingly totalitarian policies and practices of Smith College were not simply a sign of my own insanity.
Tracey was not a person with institutional power in any sense of the word. She was a custodian. She is also single mom who worked her way through Smith’s program for non-traditional aged women to earn her degree whilst working full time. She was prompted to write her letter out of genuine concern for the way the college was hurting her colleagues.
And what’s more. . . SHE PUT HER NAME ON IT.
If her letter had been anonymous, it would have been of little use to me. Her name being on it made all the difference. There is a big difference between secret knowledge of colleagues who know the college’s response to the July 31, 2018 had been incredibly wrong and an open letter about said behavior with a name attached. Both were proof I was not alone, but the latter was proof to the ENTIRE WORLD that I was not alone.
Tracey used her Smith education to stand up for people less educated (and thus less powerful) than she is. To me, the whole point of privilege (in the true sense of the word) is to use it to fight for good in the world. And that is exactly what Tracey did.
That letter gave me the moral courage to finally speak up in that workshop on that fateful day in January 2020, and to do what is now considered a transgressive act: tell the truth. Tracey’s letter (and by then, her friendship) kept me going throughout the internal complaint process, throughout making my videos, and most recently, filing a complaint with the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination.
I owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to Tracey Putnam Culver.
There is only so much progress we can make speaking in hushed tones behind closed doors. We need to find each other, and that is only possible if we stand up and let the world know who we are. Speaking truth under your own name is more powerful than all the hushed voices in the world. And when you do speak, it might feel like you are alone but you are not. When you tell the truth, especially during a time when such truth is suppressed, people pay attention, and their courage grows.
A little check-in: My life changed dramatically on February 19, 2021. I am still working to fashion some routine out of the somewhat chaotic life I now lead. Aside from pursuing a case against Smith College, what is my path from here? I have some ideas. I have also been doing a lot of work behind the scenes to network and strategize with others in this space, trying to mobilize and make things happen. A lot of this work is invisible, as it must be in this nascent stage. I am also working ardently to create a transparent and ethical process for transmitting the extra funds I raised to others in similar situations. It is not as easy of a process as I thought, it requires much due diligence and legal advice, but when it is done, I hope to support as many people as possible.
I am eternally grateful for your support.
For some, family responsibilities or personal challenges weigh too heavily on decisions to stand up in situations such as yours, and I get that. But rarely could anyone stand up to bullies without any consequences at all. You are living with the consequences of your decision, but you have found support that will get you through this. I hope your story will enable others (I think it already has) so one becomes two, two becomes three, and before long this new-fangled racism will begin to seem absurd to more and more people, and we can move on to more constructive approaches to address the need to help everyone thrive.